Be My Reason Read online

  “He grows older and stays the same maturity. Just like…”

  “Yep.” We both knew what we were thinking. No need to say it out loud. My father.

  “I’ve actually been thinking about something lately. I’m not getting any younger and I started to rethink through my life decisions. The majority I am proud of. I miss your uncle so much. I wish you had found that person to spend your life with.”

  “Well, I haven't found the right person. And why would I want to get married and have a marriage like my parents; talk about a marriage of convenience. If I am not going to do it right, I’m not doing it. You and Kurt were an exception. That’s not always the case.”

  “You know, Wyatt, sometimes you say things that sound exactly like me. I agree with you, it should be done right. But I also know the older I get, the lonelier I feel without my husband. I don't want that for you. Especially you. You have always been my closest confidant.” I watched as she stared off into space and took another sip of her margarita.

  “I’ll tell you what, if I see a girl worth working for, I’ll do it. Maybe God will send her my way.”

  “That’s all I need to hear, Wyatt.” She smiled pleased.

  She held her margarita up in the air for a toast and I followed her lead.

  I knew that moment would be a memory I would carry with me. I just hoped I could honestly stick to the words I spoke to the one person who meant more to me than anyone. She would be the last person I would ever want to let down.

  After a couple hours together and a great Mexican meal, I drove my aunt home. She was always a sucker for old country music, and although I couldn't stand it, I always humored her. She knew it too. I had actually bought her a CD of Willie Nelson and put it in before I picked her up.

  She mumbled to a song or two and tapped her foot and then turned it down. The high-energy buzz from her drinks had seemed to take a turn, making her more sensitive and free speaking.

  “Wyatt, I really need to tell you something, although I personally would rather birth a cow.”

  “Okay.” I responded.

  “I have pancreatic cancer.” Instead of waiting for my questions or my response, she turned the music back up and then started tapping again to the song. “Always on my Mind” was one of her and Kurt’s favorites.

  The hard lump in my throat began cutting off my air. I couldn't get a deep breath in and my heart was beating rapidly. How was I going to respond to this? This was the most influential person in my life and she was telling me she was dying?

  No.

  This was not going to happen.

  Breigh had crossed my mind earlier when Rhonda spoke of loneliness and not wanting me to feel that way. During her reflection, Breigh was the first person I thought of…but why, when something or someone good came into my life, did something bad happen?

  And why didn't she tell me earlier? We are so close and she couldn't trust me. I wanted to be there for her, like she had for me my entire life.

  I fixed my eyes on the road but kept looking at her out the corner of my eye. The tears were flooding my eyes, knowing the real possibility of her future but also mine without her.

  Song after song I listened to her mumble through the words and tried to fight the tears.

  Pulling up to her farm, I fought the urge to continue driving anywhere but taking her home, just to spend a few more minutes with her. I wanted her to say something more about it and I didn't want to have to ask. I didn't even know how to ask about this.

  When my truck finally stopped, she turned to me while unbuckling her seat belt. “I reckon you have a lot of questions, Wyatt, and I wish I could answer them. Frankly, you know me better than anyone, and you know I will do what I can to fight this. But you also know how I feel about God having a plan.”

  There were only two things I could say, and instead of just thinking them and not saying them, I was going to say them. “It is no secret how important you are to me… I love you. Maybe I don't say it like I should but nevertheless; it’s a fact. What can I do to help you? Anything, just name it.”

  “Just be you, Wyatt. You have given me a reason to live for a very long time.”

  I watched as her hand reached for the truck door and then stopped. “I would love for you to meet me at church on Sunday. No pressure.”

  “I’ll be there, 9:00 a.m. on the nose.” She exited the truck smiling, and I stayed put until she got into her door with a wave. Rhonda moved slower than she had but she was still stuck at a certain age in my mind. She was young and vibrant and I didn't think I would ever see her any other way.

  I drove down her dirt road, and then turned the corner facing I-85, before pulling over on the side of the road to rest my head on the steering wheel.

  I whispered, expecting an answer but fairly certain I wasn't going to get one, “Why, God, why? Why her?”

  Not that I expected an answer right away, but I had hoped he would at the very least hear my words of desperation.

  My life would never be the same without her in it. And I refused to think about it.

  BREIGH

  “I just don’t understand. You knew what was going to happen, but then you act shocked every time it happens. Emma, I warned you.” I sat in my spot, a round table in our favorite coffee shop, Maxwell’s. We had been meeting here since we were old enough to drink coffee. We used to always joke around and said how we would meet here all our lives with our kids and our families. Didn't seem as realistic to me now though. It was funny in retrospect, thinking about what we thought would be plausible when we were younger.

  “You can’t always just say this matter-of-factly. I get it; you predicted it. Just like you did before, but damn, Breigh, is it wrong for me to want to find that person? What if I don't try, and I just sit back like you do and wait for that person. What if it never happens?” I could see the fear in her eyes. She was perfectly put together, as always, wearing her designer professional clothing, not a wrinkle in sight. Everything was fit for every curve, tailored for her beauty.

  “Then it never happens,” I stated matter-of-factly.

  We stopped our conversation for a few seconds as our coffee was being placed on our table. Mine a large mug with four creams, no sugar, and at kids’ temperature so I could drink it right away. Emma’s a small espresso with an extra shot, a pound of sugar, and a quart of creamer.

  “So easy for you to say after you have been hurt as bad as you have. It isn't that way for everyone. I haven't felt the pain you have. I know Alan put you through more than a lot of women together have been through, but can you give me a break? Show some empathy.”

  “I am not going to sugarcoat you getting your feelings hurt. You want to find a guy that is right for you… I get that. But you also should think that is not going to be a fairy tale. Life is tough. I’m just saying, don't think everyone you meet has that potential. Especially at a nightclub. Distinguish the difference between a guy to have fun with and a guy who you could build a future with.”

  “I thought when I talked to Cash it was a possibility. For what I knew of him, anyway. He said all the right things.”

  “You spent one night with him and you had already been drinking. I doubt your judgment was on par.”

  “It wasn't judgment. It was just a feeling I had.”

  “You’re hopeful and I get that. I’m not saying not to be hopeful… I am just saying to be more realistic.”

  “I don’t want to be more realistic. I don't want to be you.” Emma said the words and then froze, waiting for my response. “I’m sorry, Breigh, I didn't mean that like it sounded.”

  I put my hand on hers. “I don't want you to be me either. I love that you have the ability to see the good things in people, and to not shy away from things just out of fear or certainty. But I don't want you to get hurt.”

  “To me, it’s worth it. I know it sucks you have to listen to it, but I am willing to take that risk. I don't want to look back and wish I would have done something, tried with some
one, had something pass me by.”

  “That’s a good way to look at things, my friend.” What could I say to that? Not a damn thing.

  Although I was skeptical, I wished I had that hope; maybe then I would be more willing to put my heart out there.

  I woke up to get ready for work with a pep in my step. I had decided, after my conversation with Emma, that it was okay to make some changes in my life. I needed to take a hold of my life and try to make the best of it. To get happy, whatever that entailed. It was funny how she could say very little, but it was the way she said it that got me thinking.

  I didn’t need a man to be happy, on the contrary, but I had come to terms with myself: I want to find one. And Wyatt the other night was a great start. He had crossed my mind a lot since the night at Kellye Joe’s and he made me smile. That was something.

  People always say the first step was the hardest, and it was. But now I felt much better, and I could thank Wyatt for that. If Wyatt was only in my life to make me open up, then he was a great start. Maybe having a little optimism wasn't the worst thing I could do.

  6

  WYATT

  The news from my aunt and her pancreatic cancer was not an easy pill to swallow. She was the most important person in my life, and I wasn’t ready to lose her. I was cognizant of the fact I would be more than likely never ready, because there would never be a time I was willing to let her go.

  I called my mom to see what she knew, although I knew she wasn't going to be comforting. She wasn't one who handled stress well and it turned into a call of me calming her rather than the other way around, a mother calming her child.

  She answered on the third ring and her voice was shaky. “Hi, honey. I’m shocked it took you so long to call me.”

  “Well, hi, Mother.”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “I have missed you too. How are you?” I did miss her, but I couldn’t lie. I liked being in Hilltop.

  “As good as can be expected. I guess. Cash is gone all the time, your dad is… well, your dad. I don't think things are going to ever be any different and…”

  “I’m actually calling because of two things. One, Aunt Rhonda told me she has…”

  “Yes, isn't it horrible? I just can’t believe my sister is going to leave me soon.”

  Typical Mom.

  Thinking of herself and how it was going to affect her, rather than the suffering her sister was going to go through, etc.

  “Mom…”

  “I know, I know… Anyway, I asked her if she wanted me to do anything, pay for anything, or come stay with her or she can come here. Whatever she wants, I’m there for her.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She said she has never wanted anything from me, other than being her sister, and that she had more money than me. Can you believe she would say that?”

  “Yes, I can believe it. You have always known how she is…” I smiled. I would have loved to see my mother’s face drop when my aunt said that to her.

  “Plus, you know your aunt, she started in on me saying that money wasn't everything. She could buy anything she wanted; do whatever she wanted at any time, but none of that made her happy. It was who she had to share it with. And that she missed Kurt.”

  “Sounds like her. She still talks about Kurt all the time.” My aunt was never impressed by money. Another reason why she and I clicked so well. It was as if I was her child.

  “Anyway… did she tell you what was going on with me?”

  “No.”

  “I’m leaving your father. I actually have already found a house I am going to buy. It is much smaller than this one and I feel…”

  “Wait, what? You can’t say that and just move on like it wasn't an important fact. What happened?”

  “Nothing has ever changed. He has made tons of promises our entire marriage, hell, even when we were dating as young teens, but he’ll never change.”

  “Are you seeing someone?”

  “Oh God, no. I have no interest in another man. Your father on the other hand, I’m sure has a woman on the side. Honey, do you know what it is like to be happy? Truly happy? I want that. I want to be happy with myself and with my life. When your aunt called me and told me about her sickness, I decided it was time. Life is too short.”

  “Does Rhonda know?”

  “Of course she does.”

  “What did she say?” I was curious.

  “About damn time.” She laughed and I followed suit. It was good to hear. “After I told her, she actually said she loved me. It was good to hear.”

  “Mom, this is a big move. You have never worked, how are you going to stand on your own two feet?”

  “Son, I have a degree, I can go to work in the marketing field. But seriously, I think I’m going to do just do some waitressing or maybe I will find another job. I have always loved animals… oh… or I could go work at a library. I don't care. I won’t really have to work to pay bills. As far as I am concerned, I have made that money with your father. I gave him half those damn ideas he had.”

  “The brain behind the operation, huh?” It was my mother’s father who had the money, and the business. Information that I wasn’t sure I should be privy to, but Rhonda had told me anyway.

  “Yes, Son, I love that. I’m going to use that. And before you ask, yes, your dad knows. He doesn't give a crap, and in fact, just acted like it was nothing, a feather in the wind. So much for a marriage of almost thirty-five years, huh?”

  “I wish I could say I was shocked, but I’m not. What can I do?”

  “I would love for you to come ride the horses with me. I am going to try to work into the divorce agreement that they remain at the stables here, since that is what they are used to. I want to make sure they stay where they know. It is really the least that man can do for me.”

  “I would love to come ride with you. I have actually been thinking about it for a while. That is one thing I really miss about being home.”

  “Not your mother?”

  “You know it was hard growing up with dad. And Cash…”

  “Okay, let me know when you can come down. Soon, Son.”

  “Next weekend.”

  “Done. I love you, Son. I’m proud of you. I know I haven't told you that enough. You are your own man, and I could not be more honored to be your mother.”

  “Thank you, Mom. Love you too.” Hanging up my phone, I had to wonder what had gotten into her to say a nice compliment. She wasn't the mushy type, but I’ll say I didn’t mind it.

  7

  BREIGH

  The Hilltop rodeo was one of the biggest events in our town. It was once a year, and probably the most exciting weekend we had the entire year. Everyone in Hilltop and surrounding towns attended.

  Emma wasn't able to go but I still went by myself. She said she would try to come once she got off work, but I doubted she would make an appearance. She had been pouting over Cash, who never called her after he left town. Real shocker there. I saw that coming a mile away.

  I took a seat, ready to watch some broncos and cowboys and noticed the place was packed.

  Looking across the stadium seating there were very few spots that were vacant. The dirt was being kicked up in the arena, preparing for the events to start, and already thickening the air. My grammy and gramps used to bring me every year, but she couldn’t handle all the dirt kicked up along with the animals. She still wanted me to go and carry on the tradition of attending. My grandparents had never missed a rodeo since they lived here in Hilltop.

  I saw several people standing in front of my stadium seat, surveying where they might be able to squeeze in. That was something I never looked forward to, sitting next to visitors or people who came from some of the local towns. Not going to deny there were some good-looking cowboys who came prancing into town, but I was old enough to know how they worked. One-track mind, and let’s just say it wasn't the track of mind I had. I was comfortable on my own.

  Three men tried to sit
next to me but they didn't fit, thankfully. I took a deep breath of frustration and let it out as only one fit. The one who sat beside me demanded for the others to go up higher to find another seat.

  “Thank you,” he said politely, trying to adjust himself in the seat. He looked over briefly and smiled. His teeth were perfectly straight on top with a slight overlap on the bottom left. His lips bordered them perfectly.

  “No problem,” I said. I looked toward the arena ready for the event to start. When I saw that his attention was on the arena, I slowly took his face into view, sneaking a peek.

  Wyatt. He had his hat pulled down low, seemingly frustrated.

  As I turned away our eyes met and I smiled. Okay, that was embarrassing. I wasn't quick enough. He was an eyeful though; so I really didn't feel the regret I should have felt. He was wearing a

  ball cap that was permanently folded from it being worked in. Dressed in a pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a ball cap, he looked as attractive as they come. Only an extremely gorgeous man could pull that off, little effort but maximum output.

  “It seems we keep running into each other…” I said nervously. And it was pure coincidence. Unless he was a stalker. Anything was possible.

  “I’m not stalking you…” He laughed.

  “Yeah, he is.” His friend leaned over him and said before blurting out a burp.

  “Now that’s a gentleman.” I laughed and winked.

  “Sorry for my friend. He was born in a barn and never left. Get the hell back, Roger.” Wyatt put his arm toward him and pushed him away.

  I leaned into him slightly, not enough that our knees were touching but enough to where he could hear me. “Thank you for sitting here instead of him.”

  “My pleasure.” He smiled again and I couldn’t turn away.

  Twenty minutes later, we were watching the rodeo together but pointing out things to each other. I commented how I could ride better than some of the guys, and he replied he would like to see it. We had an easy conversation back and forth and enjoyed the company. There wasn't any pressure, well other than the crowds speaking loud around us. Truthfully I wasn't the best horseman, but I liked to pretend I was.